he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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