so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So much rum. So many feels.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
