Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i think i have herpe
just one?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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