My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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