My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
MIDGETS
????
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
