I skipped work to stalk him.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
