Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
