I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
