I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
