My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
