guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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