Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
