You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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