Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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