i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
