I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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