I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
