I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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