Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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