haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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