I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
