i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
