Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
