You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
