I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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