i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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