dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
