She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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