remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize