It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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