I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
