Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
