I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
