the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
