well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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