I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
