hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
