I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts