I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.