i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?