So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.