another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
