From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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