My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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