my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
