She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
