Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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