Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
