haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
