so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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