are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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