at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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