Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
