Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
