it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
