I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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