Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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