Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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