just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
