Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
