Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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