My friends, they love my intelligence
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
