I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
