At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i love accidental penises.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
