We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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