We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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