I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
