I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
