found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
